I (36m) recognize that I do not need to justify my existence, feelings, opinions, or preferences to anyone else. Despite that, I am struggling with depression.
I have, for years, built a smoldering, toxic resentment toward nearly everyone in my life:
• My mother for being so consistently unreliable
• My brother for being the screw-up that he is and imposing the consequences of his poor decisions upon the family
• My youngest daughter (8) for her lack of self-reliance (ABSOLUTELY unfair, I recognize, but my feelings remain)
• My wife’s dogs for their requirements (walking, feeding, medicine, poop, etc.). I’m not a dog person, she is. (Absolutely unfair. I am projecting here, I understand)
• My wife (40f, 8 years of marriage):
o Her constant stream of criticisms in a tone that I’m sure she doesn’t realize that, to me, is inappropriate (to me as well as our daughters). Example: First thing after a long day of work and a 90 min. commute, I put away the Nutella and leftover leftovers I had brought for snacking and lunch. No hi, nothing but, “(Daughter) was LOOKING for that (Nutella).” tsk “YOU had it (leftovers). I need to portion those for you better.” (I usually portion my own lunch because I do the dishes after dinner every night) The implication being that I, by taking the Nutella and leftovers to work for my snack and lunch was putting the mild desires of the family (who had access to many snacks and a refrigerator/freezer/pantry full of food) below my own and that was inappropriate. Or calling step-daughter lazy, causing step-daughter to buy into the narrative. Or being tough and mean when youngest daughter is crying in frustration during homework. Or being “brutally honest” which is really just her being an asshole but, granted, truthful.
o Her continued relationship with her ex-husband in a tone that is more than cordial and more than conciliatory including cutting me out of all of their interactions just because of his preferences (he doesn’t like me, but should that mean I should not be her primary relationship when dealing with him)
o My suspicion that she has been or is currently cheating on me (unaccounted for time, refusing to give up sole control of finances, sudden interest in maintaining physical security of her phone, she cheated toward the end of her relationship with her ex, etc.)
o Maintaining a Twitter account (with 17k followers) that has evolved into her having persona who is single and tosses around sexual innuendo (and sometimes outright flirting) constantly.
o Disproportionate spending practices (she can spend at Starbuck’s, can take the kids to McDonalds or Dairy Queen but if I spend any money on lunch or snacks I get a chewing out, so to speak)
o She has gained weight since we got married, currently at ~230 lbs. As such I am less physically attracted to her. Communication about this…has not gone well. I still find her attractive, just less so than before.
o She has little interest in initiating sex, BJs, or anything of the sort but OFTEN complains about my lack of initiation. I bring up perhaps buying some toys for us to play with to add some adventure and that gets shut down right quick.
o Makes snarky comments that demean me. Example, “Going to the gym? Maybe you should bring a water bott…nevermind. You’d just forget it there anyway.”
All of this is in the context of a household struggling to make ends meet financially. I have a full-time job (90 min. commute each way); wife works part time (close to home). We went through bankruptcy ~5 years ago and are starting to build debt again and ignoring it (I don’t like that). Every time I bring up that we haven’t made a payment to a couple of debts recently, wife acknowledges and ignores, instead choosing to a) buy an air conditioner without soliciting my input, b) buy herself a laptop, and c) immediately makes payment arrangements on the one debt in HER name (not any of the debts I mentioned) leaving those in my name to be in continued default.
I can’t do anything right in my wife’s eyes. All of my desires get passed over in favor of the desires of other family members. I want a bike? Daughter gets a bike. I want to relax on the weekend? Take the girls, dogs, or family out to do something. Or do chores. And, of course, her chores aren’t appreciated enough. “I guess I’m just going to have to take a WHOLE DAY each month to do laundry. Oh, you’re expressing a desire to help? We’ve discussed this before and you failed.” Express excitement about the possibility of VR? We will NEVER EVER have VR in this household. I want to go camping? Girls and her go camping as part of Girl Scouts every year, I haven’t gone camping in over a decade. See? Each individual thing is silly to get upset over. But all of it together just builds and builds until, yesterday, it happened.
Out of the smoldering coals of resentment shot a small, hot flame of hatred. It didn’t last long but I felt it. I’m scared. For a brief moment I felt haaate for this woman I love, this family I would, quite literally, kill or die for. I hated them. I don’t know what to do.
I hate myself for feeling it. I’ve tried communicating with my wife about my feelings but all it ever ends with is her telling me how she never wins because, in her eyes, it’s either she says something to me and I get angry about it because I’m sensitive or she doesn’t say anything and I keep doing everything wrong.
Look, you’re getting this one-sided. I ain’t the greatest catch. I’m a pudgy white guy, 6'1", 230 lbs., 6/10 looks-wise. I forget things more often than average. Gullible. Socially awkward. I naturally put out a creepy vibe (can’t help it). Tend toward procrastination and laziness.
I’m hating my job more and more, the changes being introduced in my job are disheartening. I cannot provide enough to have my family do things I would like to do (vacations, milestone birthdays, presents for the wife, date nights/weekends, etc.) Debt is piling and I have no control over the budget. All attempts to gain control of finances have failed.
These stressors are combining in way such that I have to just decide that my happiness is unobtainable in my current circumstances. I will not leave my wife, especially because of our children, but I don’t know how to act. I’ve failed. I’m a robot doing my best to put up a façade for everyone else. But inside my soul is becoming ash and blowing away leaving an empty shell of a man.
I know many of you are going to suggest counselling. If possible, if you have any advice you can impart before it comes to that, I'd like to hear it.
Edit: formatting
Submitted August 17, 2016 at 05:40AM by 692872 http://ift.tt/2blyR9L Marriage
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