I am totally losing any sense of control I've ever had over myself and my life. Every day is filled with the most intense, unrelenting negativity. Every day something worse happens and gets added to the pile that is so large it now towers over and surrounds me in an abysmal darkness. I'm losing the will to find my way out. Most days I don't even have the will to try to find a ray of light.
The amount of things that need to change about myself and my life is unending and it is overwhelming me and enveloping me in a living hell. There is not one single thing that is even slightly okay. I just turned 25 and I still need to get my GED, learn how to drive, and get a new job. Most of my teeth have decayed beyond repair, I have already had three root canals and two teeth pulled, and the ones that are not badly decayed have cavities. I currently have a gaping hole in one of my teeth closer to the front that is excruciatingly painful from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. The tooth next to it has a botched filling from several years ago that still hurts. My dental work will easily cost well over $10,000. I have $150.00 in my bank account that is supposed to last me until who the fuck knows when.
I had a baby last August and quit my minimum wage grocery store job to care for her full time. My boyfriend still works at said grocery store barely making more than minimum wage. We live in an apartment with my mother, who is moving into her boyfriend's house soon. We are having a major issue with amending my taxes, which I fucked up because I am so exhausted and overwhelmed that I can't concentrate on or remember anything.
I'm having issues with my short term memory. I forget what I'm going to say or what I was even talking about mid sentence. If I don't write something down immediately after thinking it, I will forget it and not be able to remember it again. I have forgotten thoughts in the five seconds it takes me to walk from my kitchen sink to grab my notepad and pen from my refrigerator.
I can't sleep at night because when I lay down in bed everything that is currently bothering me, or has bothered me throughout my entire life, floods into my brain. Lately, I've been remembering and realizing a lot of very awful and traumatic memories that I have suppressed. They haunt me like ghosts and ruin the brief happy and lighthearted moments I have scattered throughout my week.
I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I don't want to vacuum or do dishes or laundry. I don't want to cook or eat with anyone. I don't want to go out or watch movies. Showers have become a chore. Hot showers used to revive me. Now, they drain me. I don't want to see the sunlight or turn on a lamp. I don't want to wake up anymore. I want to lay in my bed in the darkness and sleep alone in the blackness that you wake up from when you can't remember your dreams.
Hugs and kisses don't feel good anymore. Sex is a fast fleeting fullness for the emptiness I constantly feel; it never lasts long. I don't think anyone cares anymore, I can tell that no one really likes talking to me anymore, or loves me anymore. No one wants to do anything with me anymore. No one wants to help me. I am a burden that never gets lifted and no one wants to try to anymore.
When I sleep I see blackness. The rare times that I remember a dream are only because it was a nightmare. I wake up into a nightmare and fall back asleep into one. There is no serenity anymore. Everything I do is wrong, not good enough, or senseless. I'm giving up.
I don't want to be here anymore. I can't deny that. It's a black cloud that hovers over my entire existence. I want to die. All day long I think about it, but I know I will never do it myself. It's another part of my sick self torment. People always tell those that are suicidal that they will be missed, that it isn't the answer, or that the people in their lives won't be better without them. How can anyone really know how true that is though? What if some of us are the key that is locking their loved ones away in a tiny room? There are too many things I'm doing wrong, need to change, and just begin. That list grows and grows by the second and I can't keep up.
I can't even do the simplest of things, like calling back for a very important phone call I missed over six months ago. I can't even make the call to change my daughter's insurance to one that her doctor's office and hospital that she was born in actually covers so they can pay the over $2,000 bill they sent me in the mail two weeks ago.
I am so fucking stuck and I cannot get out. I feel like I've been paralyzed while awake so that I can see and hear everything around me, but I cannot move and cannot yell for help. I can't even make a whimper.
I am a failure and a deadbeat loser. I am a pathetic disgrace. I am worthless and useless and a disappointment to all who are around me. I can't help but wish for the darkness to consume me so it can let the light in for everyone else. I can't do this anymore, but I can't stop it either.
Submitted March 27, 2016 at 05:01PM by Slo333 http://ift.tt/22R2QXA offmychest
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