For reference - My parents have been divorced since I was 5. While they clearly weren't right for one another, they still talk frequently and get along well. My mother is recently engaged and my Dad has been remarried for a number of years now. My younger sister lives full time with my Dad as she cannot stand my mother for reasons that I'm sure will become apparent. I do 50/50 living with each of my parents.
Since I was about 7 my mother has had issues with her weight. She's not massively overweight but the doctor says she needs to lose a little bit so that she can be healthy.
Her weight consumes her. She's almost always dieting (rarely getting results) or on a binge. If she's not snacking all throughout the night, she's expecting everyone else to abide by her healthy lifestyle. This essentially means that she will barely stock the refrigerator and lecture about MSG and other food additives/chemicals whenever she can. She has sleep apnea and uses a machine to help her breathe through the night. She is, in her mind, an expert because of these things.
Growing up, my mother constantly compared my sister and I to what she looked like at that age. While I was always thinner than my mother at my age, she was apparently taller. She takes great pride in this. Meanwhile, my sister is taller than my mother ever was at that age but "I was so, so much thinner." Well, good for fucking you, Mum. Good for you.
Anyway, in 2011 I got pretty sick and went undiagnosed for at least 1.5 years. I was so weak that I had to stop sport and eventually so bad that I could not work or go to school regularly. My vital organs were at risk of shutting down and I just couldn't function.
I was so weak that I couldn't even make it to the shower and when I would it would take so much energy out of me that it'd be it for the day. Often showering would take so much energy that I would end up sleeping 16 hours straight afterwards.
Alongside times of oversleeping and then severe insomnia, I often was too weak/in too much pain to eat - if I did then it was really small and things that didn't take much time or energy to prepare. This led to me being so thin that I was basically just bones. I looked so strange and I felt even worse.
The specialist/doctor that I finally managed to see so that I could get the right help was in high demand. People would travel miles and miles to see this guy and often he would run 2-2.5 hours late with appointments. He was, quite literally, the only person I could see for my health issues without going interstate or overseas.
Well, we would sit there and she would complain and complain and complain about it. Sigh loudly. Non-stop talk about how she wanted to go home, eat, watch TV. It made me feel horrible. I felt as if I had dragged her there. Whenever she could, she would make my Dad take me while she would stay home. While I would much prefer going with my Dad, the fact that she was unwilling to wait with me was hurtful.
On the rare occasion that my mother would attend the appointments she was polite and agreeable. She would say she understood my doctor, gave input into treatment plans/what would work best and yet the moment we stepped out the door, this would change.
"Well, I know we have to get your medication but you really need to sleep well, eat well and exercise. That's the main issue."
This, after 2 hour long appointments in which my doctor would explain the reasons why I could not do these things - things my mother had claimed to have understood.
It infuriated me.
Anyway, it got to the point that I was hospitalized. Still, during this time I found her to be unsupportive.
My Dad and sister would sit with me for hours and whenever they could despite living further away while my mother, who lives a literal 5 minute walk from the hospital, rarely came in. Much like the appointments, she would complain constantly.
She advised, for the first few days of my hospital visit, that my sister (15 at the time) not visit me because "she looks like she's about to die". Untrue, unnecessary and frightening for my sister to hear.
Eventually, I recovered and have spent the last year and a bit getting back into life. My mother went back to assuming that because I have the decency to sit and eat dinner with her, watch the news on the couch with her while she stalks people on facebook, reading out what other people are doing with their lives and implying that I am not good enough, that we have some sort of bond!
The truth is that she rarely asks about my life, would have no clue who my friends were, where I go when I hang out with them and, if you asked her, probably wouldn't even be able to tell you what I study at Uni.
As of a few months ago, my Dad got cancer - stage 4. He's having chemo at the moment but it's been really stressful. My mother has handled it very, very poorly. When I see my Dad he's always really honest about how he's feeling. He has good days and bad days and he lets me know about it. Well, not according to my mother! According to her, he 100% of the time looks awful. She never says that she thinks he looks well, she always has the worst possible outlook on this.
She is, quite frankly, more interested in posting about how terribly she thinks he is going on facebook than anything else.
Anyway, this past month, I have been feeling myself getting sick again. I knew this would happen - my doctor told me that it was likely that I would relapse and I would have to go back on all my heavy medication or go overseas for treatment. I expected it but I still am having trouble accepting it. I feel like I just got back on my feet and it's all coming crashing down again.
While my mother does care about me I feel like she will always put herself first. She has no idea about what I need for my health or even just in terms of advice and emotional support in day to day life.
I don't want her projecting all her food/sleep/exercise issues onto me when I'm sick as it makes it so much harder but if I confront her about any of these issues she cries, sulks and ignores me for days before ranting about how she's "clearly the worst mother in the world." After coming to her and politely yet honestly telling her about the issues I have with her, all she takes from it is that I, apparently, view her as "a piece of dirt."
How do I tell her that I'm sick without her turning it into a massive drama? I don't want to become another facebook post. I need real support from her and because my Dad can't help me like he could before, she's really all I have.
tl;dr: My mother has issues with food, sleep and exercise that she projects onto me when I'm really sick. How do I get through to her?
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:46PM by frognetz http://ift.tt/1k9oHYZ relationships
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