I'm really nervous to post this but here it goes. Sorry for the wall of text. I have had issues with anxiety for some time now. I'm even described as a "worry wart" by the people who know me well. But it goes deeper than just worry, it's a constant downward spiral that keeps me from functioning on most days and this weekend was the worst anxiety attack I've had yet.
It started Thursday when I checked my grades online. I had recently turned in some work for my college history class. All looked great until I saw that my 10 page paper received a 0/100. I freaked out and burst into tears. In my mind, I jumped to the worst possible conclusion. My school is really big on plagiarism, so I thought maybe I cited something wrong on accident. That would mean I could be kicked from the school. Even if that wasn't the case, this is a senior level class which I needed to get special permission to get into. I could be kicked from my program for failing this class. All I could think about all weekend was how I was such a disappointment for failing, I will never find a job, my family and friends will be let down by me. I guess any college student would be a little nervous about a 0/100 but I took it to another level. I literally couldn't do anything all weekend except play video games, which was the only thing that kept me from thinking about the paper. It literally made me sick to my stomach. My husband told me I was jumping to conclusions (as usual) but I was positive my college life was over.
Monday morning comes around and I finally get in touch with my professor. He was confused as to why I was concerned about my paper because according to him, I made top marks. Coming to find out, my grade was accidentally switched with another student.....I made an A. All of that worry for nothing. All that worry ruined my weekend and it's my fault.
And this is only one example. I don't want to admit that I have this problem but I can't keep going on like this. It's not healthy and it leaves me stressed. I always feel like I'm trapped in my own mind where I'm thinking about 100 things at once and ALWAYS coming up with the worst possible conclusion. Example: My husband is 10 minutes late from work? My mind tells me he was in a car crash or worse. I also have a problem with making lists. I make to-do lists of things that need to be done but I put so much stuff on the list, it's impossible to get everything done. My husband tells me to prioritize important things first, then go from there but I have a really hard time doing that because to me, everything has equal importance. For example, I need to study but I can't concentrate with the living room so cluttered but I also really need to go grocery shopping and to do that I need to clean out the refrigerator. So I end up doing 4 things at once and it always ends in disaster with nothing getting done. And then I feel like a lousy person for not being able to complete simple tasks.
I really want to get help for this. My dad also has anxiety but is much worse than me. I don't want to put this off any longer and make it worse like he did. I want to talk to someone who can help me sort this out but I'm scared to even do that.
Submitted September 30, 2015 at 04:55AM by MekkoLove http://ift.tt/1YNmMJK Anxiety
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