So, two days ago, I posted here about how my holiday stay at my aunt's house was going. Spoiler alert, not well. I broke their sink and gave my cousin icicle tits. But this bastard here /u/apostate1881 assured me it could only get better. Yeah, it got worse.
Nobody here cooks. Everyone's diet here consists of frozen chicken nuggets, frozen fish sticks, frozen tater tots, macaroni and cheese, and frozen dinners. The refrigerator is broken (not my doing, my older cousin just bought a crappy used fridge) so everything must go in the freezer or in the jam- (and honey) packed pantry.
Needless to say, I've been constipated for three days straight. It's like rabbit poops. I damn near gave myself a hernia trying to release the cracken. But today, by the grace of god, someone brought home a bigass sandwich- with SWEET SWEET lettuce!
I danced around like a fool, downed the sucker, and a few hours later, the cannons were loaded and ready for war. I planned to drop a deuce and take a shower, that way I would be uninterrupted, I could get clean afterwards and give the smell time to mercifully subside.
Well, the beast is the size of moby dick. Two flushes in and I realize that water is rising....it's not going down. I start to sweat as the water comes up to the toiletbowl line and...stops. Whew. We don't have a plunger...all I find under the cabinets is a tiny sink brush. I try it. The water turns brown, my fingers make contact. D: It doesn't work.
I put the brush in the sink and run the scalding water. Maybe it'll go down after my shower and I can try flushing again.
I hop into my shower and try to relax. One thing I'll say for my aunt's house, is they have hotter water than at my house. Everythings going well and then, I look down. The water in the tub isn't draining. It's backing up. And it's brown.
I jump out of there like my feet are on fire, and try to quickly think of what to do. I could grab the shit with my hands, scoop it out, and put it in the trash, and maybe soak up the rest of the water with towels..... TOWELS!
I wrap my arm to the elbow and plunge to the depths of the toilet like I'm fisting your mom. Finally, it's starts going down. I drop the shit towel into the sink, more scalding water the smell is wonderful. Now, what? My youngest cousin has decided this is the time to start hammering on the bathroom door. He drops to the floor, sticking his fingers under the door. "I see you peeing."
I wrap the shit towel in a clean towel and fling the door open, ready to make a beeline to the stairs, when I guess I must have got some water on my cousin, because the next thing I know, the literal little Shit Head is screaming at the top of his goddamn lungs that I just pissed on him. He shoots forward, beats me to the stairs, nearly tripping me, and rockets down them to tell my aunt.
What happens next is like a Shakespearian tragedy- the timing is so impeccable, the UNIVERSE has made it known how badly it thinks I should go fuck myself. My little teen Drama Queen cousin from my last post has returned from shopping for her sweet sixteen dress, and all of her little friends are there in a circle around her, with their new dresses on, modelling them for my family.
My little Shit-Head cousin is now running around, talking at the top of his lungs, as I'm just trying to pass through to the back door to throw out the foul shit towels. He is of course, touching all of their dresses and trying to get their attention.
Somehow through all the chaos, DQ finds out that SH is covered in pee, and screams "EW YOU LITTLE PERVERT!" and shoves him down. My aunt who is trying to understand what is going on slaps her, yelling, " HEY! YOU DON"T HIT YOUR BROTHER."
DQ is now wailing at the top of her lungs, "MOM HE WAS PLAYING IN THE TOILET AGAIN." Finally, I manage to break through the crowd and rush to the door, just as 6 teenagers rush up the stairs after my hysterical cousin with the sound of stampeding buffalo- at least one nearly slips on the puddle I dripped behind. As the dysfunction is reaching ear shattering decibels, punctuated by a door slam, I slip outside to the garbage can. I'm attacked by the two weirdo family dogs who desperately want in on the action too.
Somehow, I make it back in, mission successful! I try to slip by unnoticed, but my aunt sees me, and suspects that I'm somehow the epicenter of the chaos, and wants to question me. I rush to the downstairs bathroom, slam the door, lock it, and scald my arm in hot water.
Finally, It's time to face the music, I can't stay in there forever. I come out and tell her about the toilet. They're calling someone out to the house tomorrow. It's almost 8 o'clock. I think I'll go to bed early tonight.
TL;DR My three day constipation-shit broke the toilet, stopped up the tub, marred the sink, and splashed my cousin who went down like a domino- ruining 8 new dresses, and a mother-daughter relationship. My aunt looks tired, my uncle keeps looking at me like I'm retarded, and my older cousin won't stop laughing- except to ask me if I know where all of his honey went. I'm probably not going to be invited back next year.
Submitted December 10, 2016 at 07:14AM by IBetADime http://ift.tt/2gmGnU5 tifu
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